Where I've Been and Where I Am
(a long list of apologies, excuses, explanations, and ramblings to follow)
I've been absent. I've been absent from this blog and from a lot of other things lately. I somewhat seriously told a friend the other day that I was taking a sabbatical from people. Unfortunately, some of you have been (rightfully) let down by that...I've left you hanging and haven't fulfilled my commitments to you as friends. You've left messages, and I haven't called you back. You've dropped me emails, and I haven't answered them. Others of you haven't been let down, you just wonder where I've been.

Well...I'm tired, distracted, directionless. For the first time in my life I'm at a loss. It could be that the "cares of this world" that Stephen talks about have got me wrapped up right now. I don't know. I'm frustrated with myself and with God.

Two years ago my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. It wasn't caught early enough and it had spread to the bone. She's done pretty well for a couple of years, but now it's tough. She has it all through her bones, and nothing is working at slowing it down much less stopping it. She's in constant pain like her bones are breaking where the cancer is. The truth is that unless God works a miracle, my mom is dying. That's the harsh reality. Things don't get better from here. So, I pray. I'm a child praying all the hopeful prayers you can pray, and all the hopeless prayers you never want to pray for my mom's pain to be relieved.

My mom has had a shitty life. She grew up in a poverty situation. When she was very young she was sexually abused by an uncle, and it's jacked up her self-worth and every relationship she's had with a man ever since. When she did get married, her first husband cheated on her. She divorced him and then married my dad...and it was a rough go for a long time until Christ changed their hearts when I was a teenager. She now has a son (my older brother from her first marriage) who's life is spiraling out of control, and she blames herself for his problems. She's dying of cancer.

She stays here in Tulsa at the treatment center, and lived with us for about a month and slept in the living room (she prefers the couch) of our 1100 square foot house. Her chemo makes her sick at every meal. Her hair is falling out. She's missing her right breast. A tumor has actually fractured her shoulder and may be on the verge of doing the same to her hip.

Where is God in all this? Where in this hell is He?

I work two jobs. I have for the past 5 years. I do it so that my wife can stay home with our children while they are young. But it's starting to wear on me. I don't have time to share a Kingdom life with students outside of class...to go with them to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, visit those in prison. I often work until 2 am in the morning and have to be at school to teach at 7:30. I've been sick more in the past two years than I had in the previous ten. We don't have any money in the bank. We'll be having our son in two weeks, and we won't be able to pay for the birth...much less afford a vehicle that will have space for three car seats and still have room for Amy and me together. Once the boy arrives, we won't even be able to travel together as a complete family.

I feel like I've been faithful. I left a youth ministry job (where I made $10-$15 thousand more than I do now working two jobs) because I felt God told me to do it. My wife and I have tried to seek God's Kingdom and His will first in our lives. We desire to be faithful and have taken risky steps when we felt we had God's guidance. But nothing seems to be working...and currently there's no still, small voice there to reassure me what the next step is.

And if I see another TV preacher in leather and gold telling me how God blesses the faithful...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm like Saul. Did I somehow miss God, do something to lose His favor? Or is he calling me and I'm not hearing? Everyone thinks I should be a pastor...but what the heck does that mean? I know I have gifts at teaching and speaking...but in what context do I use those? Aren't I pastoring some people now? It would sure be a lot easier to go back into the system. I'd get paid more. I could take trips to conferences, and speak, and write, be an expert....pay my bills. I'm starting to covet and envy others who are still in professional ministry. One guy goes on sabbatical for a month to Europe. Another is getting his PhD.

But then I teach students every day that are jaded and disillusioned by a Christian culture that's more about tshirts, and retreats, and cool bands, and funny speakers, and who's youth group/center/whatever is the best, who's in and who's out, control and image than God's Kingdom. Whose parents have pressured them into thinking that money and achievement are part of the 10 commandments. And I feel helpless at doing anything about it becuase I am jaded and disillusioned, too...and every time I'm honest about that I risk losing one of the jobs that helps pay for my family to eat.

So ultimately, that's where I've been...that's where I am. I've dropped off the planet because I'm looking for someone to stop it and let me take a break. Maranatha or something. I haven't given up. God is still real to me...it's actually His relentles realness that makes all this even more frustrating. I know He's there...that He's here in the midst of this...but why is He hiding?


posted by Jimmy at 11:09 PM | |

 
Abandon

This is the hardest part for me.

I'm reading Oswald Chambers the other day. It's not something I do all the time, because usually when I read him I come away feeling so convicted or twisted up about something that it takes me a while to get back to normal.

Case in point. Here is what I read the other day:

"Jesus summed up commonsense carefulness in the life of a disciple as unbelief. If we have received the Spirit of God, He will squeeze right through our lives, as if to ask, "Now where do I come into this relationship, this vacation you have planned, or these new books you want to read?" And He always presses the point until we learn to make Him our first consideration. Whenever we put other things first, there is confusion."

"...do not worry about your life...." Chambers seems to take that phrase very seriously, as I suppose it should be taken. Though I think the person who does take that seriously is a rare breed. Everything we are taught, from our childhood to our last day, screams the opposite. We're all supposed to fill out living wills now, so that we don't end up in the same company as Terri. We're supposed to make sure we're contributing to our 401k's. If you have kids and don't have life insurance, you're a blasted fool.

If you're still a student, you're supposed to study hard, not because studying and educating yourself makes you a better person, but because it gets you ready for college and/or your career that you're buying. So if you spend that evening talking to a friend instead of cramming for your test, it could ruin your life. No pressure.

Get busy. Get constructive. Do something. TGIF. Spring fever. "Senioritis" (for those of you who are somehow part of the high school culture). I'm always waiting for something. I'm always working toward some goal or waiting for some milestone. I rarely live life in this moment. That puts a strain on my ability to be obedient.

I feel that tugging... that constant poke the Spirit is giving me. "Where do I fit in here?" And the honest answer a lot of times is that I don't know, because I'm really busy trying to do all the crap that people tell me I'm supposed to do in order to be secure in my life.

I rarely took notice of the parable of the sower, and what it is that chokes out the seed once it takes root. It isn't Satan, or some great sin. It's "the cares of the world." The everyday stuff. The mundane things. The things you don't notice because they slip under the radar. Paying the bills. Doing lesson plans. Establishing a college fund. Spending too much time on the phone with tech support. Maybe even blogging. Nah. I like blogging. Sometimes.
posted by Stephen at 10:26 PM | |

 
a few posts have been edited by the author... they will appear another day.
thank you.
goodnight
posted by riddle at 5:16 PM | |

 
The Prodigal Son:
The original is just about 8 1/2 feet tall and 6 1/2 feet wide. It's big. It has to be big to see the detail of expression. to see the servant in the background, the detail of the older brother standing to the right. Luke 15 is beauty. the painting helps me understanding God.
Henri Nouwen wrote and entire book on his reflections of this Rembrandt.
Like great art, theology inspires awe and insists we must engage God.
Who/ where are you in the picture?


posted by riddle at 7:45 AM | |

 
I hate the phrase, "You need to be a good witness".

Being a "good witness" is great if you are "good". But of course no one is good.
So being a not "good" person and yet still a "witness" I am forced to make a decision between two options; confession or deception. But, I would like God to be able to use me in the local church so deception is really my only option.
posted by Andy at 10:33 PM | |

 
The Body of Christ Should Stop Tolerating Benny Hinn!
If there was any doubt left in anyone's mind, the "Dateline" expose should erase it. The man is a fraud. We should stop apologizing, making excuses, and spiritualizing his injustice.

I understand that miracles don't always happen (of course, that doesn't keep him from promising that they will), so my outrage doesn't come from the FACT that there are multitudes of unhealed people. Benny Hinn is a fraud not because he doesn't heal every single person that comes up on his stage, but because he repeatedly and intentionally tells millions of people, who are part of his live and televised audiences, things that are not true. These things have been verified by not only evangelical watchdog groups (so this isn't a smear by the secular, liberal media), but also by people within the organization, past and present.

But, you know, I don't really have to explain all this, do I? Deep down, we all know this is wrong. We all know that Hinn is extorting money from the sick and the old, and funding a lavish lifestyle on their backs. We all know that Benny keeps the sickest of the sick, those really desperate for miracles, in the back of his conferences so that he never has to face them. And for all the times that we've had to justify our silence by saying, "Yeah, but the cross of Christ is still being preached" or "I may not agree with his style, but it's not for me to judge", there are thousands of people who are left out in the cold after being promised the love and the power of Christ only to be taken for what little money they have.

And I can hear it now. "Zedler, he's such an easy target. Why are you wasting your time addressing this? It's been beaten to death." Well, obviously not enough! Still, every day, millions of people who need their money for medicine and living expenses keep sending more and more to this Versace-draped con man with the promise that they'll get back more. Blaming desperate people for engaging in desperate actions and believing a man who they think is a servant of God is blaming the victim. He has abused his position.

So why does it take a secular news organization? Why do they seem more interested in justice than the body of Christ? Why do we continue to allow his books to be sold in our Christian bookstores? Why do we continue to allow this charlatan on our airwaves? Please don't let it just come down to the money. Millstones are far too heavy, and the ocean is awfully deep. And don't let it just be because we don't want to rock the boat, or be accused of being divisive. The lives of all those who have been lied to and now feel no part of the body of Christ demand that we be light in this world, even when that means we turn that light on ourselves.

When Bill Clinton lied to the American people, thousands and thousands of preachers from the pulpit denounced his actions, called for resignation, and expressed outrage to their congregations. Where is the similar outrage here? Why are we not denouncing a man who harms the cause of the kingdom more than a president's lying? It's time to stop selling his books. It's time to stop airing his show. It's time to stop apologizing for the man.

And stop with the "Well, Zedler, when you're perfect, you can judge other people." I don't claim to be perfect. And there is a difference between "judging someone" and telling the truth. Those who make this argument seem content to allow a man to continue to hurt and use people for profit, all the while claiming to be doing "the Lord's work."

Here is a great link to the website of a group of evangelicals who take uncovering the abuses of big name ministers seriously. They say a lot that I haven't here. Enough is enough. There is too much pain in the world for the body of Christ to continue to fund this prince's lifestyle and turn a blind eye to it.
posted by Stephen at 8:23 PM | |